As I sit in this room, staring blankly at nothing, my mind wonders to all the recent happenings that have just happened. I know it was totally not only my fault or maybe it was, I don’t know but the fingers have been pointed at me for the wrong things that happened. I cannot take it anymore. Someday or the other it’s gonna hit me back again. Yes for now I take all the blame. I’m the bad one, I’m the one that screwed up everything and I take the blame.

After a year or so, I also cannot take it. Maybe I was never meant to be. Yes I love what it, it was matter of fact my brain child too. But guess everything has to come to an end but never thought it’ll end this way, so be it. I think they are also waiting for the same decision and the same answer. The only problem is how to tell them that I don’t wanna be a part of it anymore. Yes it’ll hurt me more then what it’ll hurt them. Maybe to them it’ll be a sigh of relief that I have finally made the decision.

I’m talking no other then my own band whose part I have been for a year or so. Instead of things getting better things have turned worse. I’m the one being blamed for yesterday’s mishaps. Things really didn’t go totally as planned and as usual I’m the one to blame and I do take full responsibility for what happened. Yes I screwed up. Twice my stick fell off my hand but I did try my best to pick up another stick and continue. And after the show everyone was annoyed with me, it was my entire fault. Now I guess I’ll have to leave the band, cause I don’t wanna be a hassle to them. They are a bunch of good musician and I don’t wanna keep them behind with my pathetic drumming. They can make it big, so it’s time for me to quit and let someone take the place of a drummer who can take them to a better height. The only thing is I don’t know how to tell them. I’m sure they will breathe a sigh of relief. So gods just give me the strength to tell them. Good bye Sidewalk Hyphenated. It was good while it lasted. :(

Emptiness

For the first time in almost 3 years I feel so left out, without a group, friends I have many but no one so close anymore. The last of close friend also moved out of the hostel. I feel so new in this old place, because there is no one that I can relate to. May be only few. Even with everything around me I feel the void. The group that I’m suppose to hang around with, well I feel left out, they are nice but something just pulls me away from them. It’s more like I’m an outcast from them. There is just no connection between them and me, for some weird reason I kindda feel that they don’t gel with me or sometimes I just feel so uninvited by them. So I have decided to leave it all up and be a loner again.

It’s really weird sometimes, to know that they are there but they aren’t there. I mean everyone fears to be alone but what do you do when it comes to you. Well my salutation is to face it, what more can I do but just to accept it and fake a smile and turn around and walk away. I just don’t know what to say. Ya it hurts to be left out and then I don’t want to be with them, cuz i don’t get their inside jokes and more importantly I can see the uncomfortableness on their faces when I am around. Guess it’s time to face the world alone. Well who the fuck cares, i’m better off on my own. FUCK IT !!!

I've learned a lot these past few years, through my fake smiles & unseen tears. Friends aren't always forever, love doesn't always last. (Found this on twitter as I was writing this... J )

DRINKIN’ PAIN

In the darkness of the shadows

I have crawled and clawed

Trying to unleash myself from these chains

But the keys I seem not to find

Hoping that one day the time would be right

But hope seems to fade away

As my glare in desperation vanishes in oblivion

All I can do is watch myself deteriorate in vain

I’m drinkin pain

In these blinding visions

Feuding with myself

Desperation, frustration, depression

Even the shadows seems to be outta place

Unaided and cold in these darken roads

A cold steel heart reforms faster then it melts

All I can do is watch myself deteriorate in vain

I’m drinkin pain

The maker of loneliness has carved my name

Forever to grieve in broken pain

Always to feel but never to be felt

This is how I have been left

To survive in these shadowed cave

All I can do is watch myself deteriorate in vain

I’m drinkin pain

I’m drinkin pain

SAGITTARIUS MAN

A man who loves social life and curious about every new progress, new development to make sure he is in the era and always have all up date information. He likes to know what is the latest trend of fashion and make sure he is not out of style. You can easily spot him at the grand opening of new pub, new restaurant for he loves to participate in social activity.

There is a few Sagittarius who is a private person as well, but you could see that he will be ahead of his friends. He will knows what is the best seller book, what are the top 10 hot hit of the week. The hottest movies showing now, he must have already seen it.

He hates routine, It makes him bored. He likes to get to his goals and succeeding in doing so is his true reward. Money making is O.K. but it is not his true joy, for he can easily spent them in a short while. They say if you want the truth, go and ask Sagittarius. They are right, you can ask him and he will tell you all the truth and very straight forward. Even he may speak bluntly, his friends loves him. If you have problems, all your friends may feel sorry for you, but Sagittarius will be the one who will give you a helping hand first and even expect no return favor. That's why he is a real charmer even sometimes big mouth.

When he is mad , he can be quite fierce but quickly dissolve and easily forgotten. He is not a person who will take a revenge, so if he say he's going to burn down your house, you can relax. He likes compliments and sweet words, so you can manipulate him easily. If he knows you are not sincere, you will totally become meaningless to him.

Some Sagittarius are gifted musician, or singer. He is a happy soul, has a good humor and has lots of jokes. He loves freedom, lively and very energetic. If he is working, he will take his job seriously. He likes to travel, likes to see new exciting places. Going out or traveling makes him happy.

Sagittarius man is like a free bird. He lives as if everyday is Sunday. He will hardly be in a bad mood, but if he is in a bad mood, you will better leave his sight. If you want to talk to him in such mood, try to avoid issue of commenting his life. He flirts like other man, but he has a built in brake, so he will come back to you by himself. If he disappear for a few days, not to worry for he is only recharging his battery to be that same lively person again, them he will be back.

He has allergies to Pretty woman, so in love with many woman for him would be normal. Setting dating schedule is his games and it's fun for him, and this will keep him from being bored. He hates obligations, so the word "marriage" would suffocated him. If you allow him to have freedom, he will not go anywhere.

He falls in love as easy as he catches cold, especially if she is cute, funny and she has a strong personality. No one can tell how long he will be in love each time. If you want to really hold Sagittarius man, act like you are in an adventure movie. At all time, you should make yourself lively, tells him some jokes, always be cute so that it will ease up his allergy to other pretty woman a bit.

I won’t say legalize it, cuz it fun to do it illegally

There is tons of songs on/for/about marijuana. However/whichever way you want it to be, on legalization, on the trip, on the side affects etc.etc. Marijuana is nothing more than a shrub, weed and a plant grown like every where if you know how to distinguish it from the other plants, that when smoked or eaten or drank in some cases gives you a high that could take your mind and body to a different state of trance. You seem to feel good and happy (depending upon the condition). It’s totally a different feeling then getting intoxicated with alcohol. In my personal belief everyone should try this drug once in their life but should walk away from it before it controls you.

I won’t deny it but I have done it. Not once not twice but was a frequent user of it. But that was way back. You know when you are in your teens and early youth, you wanna try everything once in your life. It’s a experimental phase in life I would say but I have no regrets, ‘cause I bailed out of it before it took control over me. Those were the days, free, no tensions nothing to look forward or back, no plans for the future, just us and that particular moment of nostalgia.

Why I did it? Was it an experiment to try to get new highs? To forget the stupid love pains, the break ups? Or to rebel against the society and waste our educated minds for the country who was always against the youths and the way we did things? I hated the society for not letting me do the things I wanted to do, I hated the government for not giving us the ample opportunity to mould our future. These were just minor reasons, but mostly I did it, cuz I felt like doin it. I did it for me, cuz it felt good. We did it for fun, plain and simple. We would go to oddest of the place just to get it. I can never forget those days. We were hippies then hahaha. Not giving a shit to the world or the society or the fuckin government. We did it everywhere possible that we could. The only better ways to spend holiday was to get stoned cuz most of the holidays were strikes done by the political parties, so that meant we were barred to go to the streets. What better way to spend a boring day other then to get stoned and wasted hehe. Ya can I blame the government for my once addiction? but then it was just plain fun.

But eventually with time and age one seem to mature and realize that certain things are just a part of life and has to let go off. So I did. One morning I woke up and realized that’s its time to move on from this shit I was into, honestly its evil side was already hugging me. I lost weight like hell, my mind and my thinking power was almost at a halt speed. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doin with my life. So I just quit it didn’t even cut it down. It was sayonara to weed . Now ya very rarely or occasionally I do it, that also just to fit in and give company to people who are doin it. Trust me if you are the only one in the group of smokers not doin it, you’ll totally get lost in their meaningless, stupid and humorous talks.

Now if you ask me, I don’t regret doin it at all but will think twice before doin it now. I’m happy with my clean life. I won’t say legalize it, cuz it fun to do it illegally.

Oh wait, shit I haven’t uploaded my blog for some time, uummm i’m not that busy as well, or maybe just too lazy hehe. I don’t even remember what else I’m supposed to write.

Ya let me start with the band, ok we recorded our first ever demo for the song, “Till I Die”. It was one hell of an experience gettin into the recording studio and recording. I was damn nervous. Cuz i had to record the drums first without the other members playin, so not used to it. But in the end the song came out pretty well. Ya and now the band has officially disbanded, I think, since ashvin and rizky are leaving the band to pursue their life in other places. Like ashvin’s goin to Vietnam and rizky’s changing college to study something else. So no more Sidewalk Hyphenated, I don’t regret anything with the band, what we had and did together was awesome and I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life.

What else, lemme think, lot of minor stuffs, which I don’t think is so important to write, cuz i don’t really remember what they are?...hahaha.. Well last week I managed to fill one of my desire by purchasing a Nikkor 85 mm Micro lens...wooohooo...man I wanted a micro/macro lens for so long..Finally I managed to get one...so happy..Now I want a 55-300 mm lens with VR...that would be awesome and a new camera bag. Wow the list keeps on goin...DARN !!! ... oh ya talkin bout buying stuffs, I also managed to buy a new guitar... damn I have been spending a lot man...ok now time to save...haha...keep my fingers crossed...

Christmas eve was a fun filled day...woke up went to play badminton...tired like hell...came back..went to sungai wang ... Japanese buffet...sushi..damn full filing ...came back...didnt have plans...so drank my Jack Daniels at home...my favourite whisky...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Everyone....

My new Nikkor 85 mm Micro Lens.

Bottle of Jack Old No.7 and my New Guitar.

I couldn’t keep it long so I’ll just write it down. Sidewalk hyphenated will be going through a major change. The news came to us like a bomb being dropped upon us when Ashvin told us that he’ll be leaving the band soon, cuz he’ll be transferring to Vietnam with his brother, while his brother (Manu) will be doin his business there Ashvin will be continuing his studies there in raffles.

We all didn’t know what to say, but just to make a humour and say “fuck you

man” I was shocked but I guess every other band has to go through this phase and I knew it coming. Someday or the other we had to go through this situation. Oh well whatever never mind, what has to be has to be.

Now the hardest part is to fill the big gap he has left behind with us. And that gap’s gonna be filled by Lowell, he doesn’t realize how much of a gap he has to fill but I wish him luck that he can fill the hole, just right enough. Soon he’ll be jamming with us and let’s see how things go.

Well with new guitarist new sound new feel new vibe. Wondering how the changes will be. Until then long live rock n roll... \m/